Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
