i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
