woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
