Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
