Me. At least after what I've been through.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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