winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize