I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
