Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
