2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
