i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
