If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
