I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
