no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
