i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
