I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize