he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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