Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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