textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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