I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The Olympian is in my bed
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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