I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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