I cannot find my penis.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
