wanna go halves on a baby?
I have demons in me.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
