My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
