I hate your face
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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