I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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