I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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