im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Church boner. Awkwardddd
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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