i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
