You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
