i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
