you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
