I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Randomize
