Bisexual people are plain selfish.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
