I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
