I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
