We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
