i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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