Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
