there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
