wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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