you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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