There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You can't just leave with hair like that
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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