Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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