i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
BRING THE BAGELS
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
