we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I look excited, but its just a facade.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
