You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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