I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
