I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
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