Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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