I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
