Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
