You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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