You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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