Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
