I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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