My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
