I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
