If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
