Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
