Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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