There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
