so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
