im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Randomize
